As I sit here, and begin typing, Tears fill my eyes. I don't know what to say, or how to say what I do know. Its the strangest feeling ever to know someone you love is not going to live. Its difficult to track their progress into the great oblivion. Its even more difficult, because you start the mourning journey, before death even comes.

You start to wonder how many days you should have...should have spent one more hour, should have said "I love you" one more time. Should have called those many times you thought about it. Should have written the thank you note, should have eaten one more meal, one more hug, one more laugh, one more smile..the should haves pile up. They begin to suffocate you, you get that feeling in your throat. The tight painful one, It gets harder to breath, and your eyes fill with tears. The tears hang on the edge of your eyes, and the world becomes blurry.
The "should haves". The mourning begins.

The small ways you remembered things. Like that I loved chocolate covered cherries. And every Christmas, didn't even buy the right kind, but I ate them any way.
The way you always sent me silly huge piles of tabloid magazines. I only read them so we had something to talk about.
The way you watched nick at night faithfully, and laughed at the same show, night after night.
You over fed the dog. Hes huge, a sausage with legs. The way you always yelled, and threw your fist up in the air when you got yahtzee , then were disappointed to realize you had already crossed it out. You could barely reach the peddles in your car, had to use your tiptoes.
You would never wear socks to "town", Only nylons. Even in 12 degree weather.
The strange collection of Mcdonalds toys you swore , someday, ..they would be worth something. The puzzles..God How you loved Jigsaw puzzles...You hated the phone...
The massive collection of magnets, and coffee cups. Yet you used and rinsed a **** Styrofoam cup. The funky egg lamp.

How do you describe them. How do you tell the world about them, ..share your memories? Its strange, to know some one, who you thought would always be there, thought there was one more just gone...The worst part is, the memories fade...The pain fades...The should haves even fade. Occasionally, a random thing makes you remember....The should haves creep up again, sometimes, if your lucky, its bitter sweet, the memories. The should haves...The days you did have..They are never enough are they?...